THE FAULT IN OUR STARS

The Film Fatales run out of tissues and use the theater cushions to soak up their tears... 

The Fault in Our Stars. Rated PG-13. 125 minutes. Starring Shailene Woodley, Ansel Elgort, Willen Defoe, and Laura Dern. 

Hazel and Gus are two teenagers who share an acerbic wit, a disdain for the conventional, and a love that sweeps them on a journey. Their relationship is all the more miraculous given that Hazel's other constant companion is an oxygen tank, Gus jokes about his prosthetic leg, and they met and fell in love at a cancer support group. [IMDb]

Nicole: Elizabeth can attest that for about 80% of this movie I was a slobbering mess and a distinct displeasure to be seated next to. After all, I knew this would happen; I couldn’t make it through the trailer without bawling like a maniac. I was miserable afterward, too; unable to shake the emotions and my eyes were puffy for a solid day-and-a-half. That being said, I want to stress that this is a terrific movie, filled with wonderful performances, which should be seen. Just have plenty of tissues on hand...and chocolate. You’ll need lots of chocolate.

elizabeth: I have to say that I wanted to see this movie, but had reservations since it is about two teens and I wondered if the people involved could make a movie about two teens  relevant to all who come to sit in the dark for over two hours. They did. The storyline is just miserable. It makes you think about how unfair life is. But then you witness the love of life that Hazel (Woodley) and Gus (Elgort) have and you realize this is life. It is not always fair, but we are here for only a blink of the eye, so what would you do if you knew that life could end before the next sunrise? Most people live like they have time to do everything – thus the stupid bucket list came to life. Don’t make a damn list. Just do it. For the record, I did tear up a little. But I get it – this is life. Life sucks sometimes. Who says we get 80-plus years? Plus, I had to keep an eye on Nicole. I was afraid I was going to have to call for back up.

Nicole: Back up would have been nice; I needed to be mopped up the floor. For the record: Hazel has cancer. Hazel is terminal stage 4. And, her odds are anything but good. This is not the feel-good movie of the year. Things in Hazel’s emotional life improve dramatically when she meets Gus, who despite losing his leg to the cancer, retains a thoroughly infectious positive outlook on life. Gus, who is in remission, shows Hazel how to grab the most out of life with what little time they’re given…and thus they fall in love so sweetly that it will melt your heart. I will leave it there, because if you haven’t read the book or seen the movie, you should let this movie happen to you. It should make you angry. It should make you sad. It should make you think. It should make you reevaluate life. And, it should make you count your blessings. There’s no telling the amount of emotions you’ll feel watching this movie – but you will be made better for having seen it. OK? OK. 

elizabeth: Besides all the messages that run through this movie, it is well-written and well-acted. Kudos to author John Green for such a tender storyline that  really did come to life thanks to all who took a chance and starred in this movie. I was so impressed with Shailene Woodley and Ansel Elgort. Two young actors who really brought home the message of the movie. I just hope that they continue to get scripts like this. I am begging them to not appear in Porkys #48. Bring tissues? Yes. But also know that this is a celebration of life. As Auntie Mame once declared: “Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death!” I believe Hazel and Gus would concur.

The Film Fatales give THE FAULT IN OUR STARS

A Million Ways to Die in the West

The film Fatales are trying to come up with one reason to see A Million Ways to Die in the West.

A Million Ways to Die in the West (AKA A Million Ways to Kill Your Brain Cells). 2014. 116 Minutes of excruciating gas pain. Starring Seth MacFarlane (who also wrote this piece of crap and directed it), Charlize Theron, Amanda Seyfried, Liam Neeson, Giovanni Ribisi,Sarah Silverman. Neil Patrick Harris

As a cowardly farmer begins to fall for the mysterious new woman in town, he must put his new-found courage to the test when her husband, a notorious gun-slinger, announces his arrival.(IMDb).

elizabeth: I don’t even know where to begin with my part of The Film Fatales’ review of A Million Ways to Die in the West. I am not even going to waste my time with trying to explain this movie to the intelligent people who read our reviews. Let me just say that this is a perfect movie for young men whose testicles have not dropped yet and who cleverly hide a case of Clearasil under their beds. In other words, it is for boys who don’t know what funny is, but anything that starts or ends with a fart is pure genius. I would like my brain cells that died from being utterly grossed out to be given another chance at life.  I can’t believe that I am writing this, but the fart jokes were the tamest part of this “movie.”

Nicole: I had high hopes for this movie. I figured if anyone had the B.A.DoubleL.S. to tackle a modern send-up of Mel Brooks’ masterpiece Blazing Saddles (and don’t argue with me world, the comparison is warranted – one cannot make a politically-incorrect, comedic Western and expect people not to compare it to Blazing Saddles), then Seth McFarlane had a brass pair big enough to do the job. Unfortunately, his brass pair must have been out getting spit-shined when he sat down to pen this “script.”

elizabeth: McFarlane can be quite charming, so why the hell did he stoop so low? He could be a leading man (if he finds his upper eyelids…meow). But, I was beginning to wonder if he suffered a mini stroke while scripting this screenplay. Friends don’t let friends write crap. ThenMcFarlane gets Charlize Theron to star in it. What the hell was she thinking? And Liam Neeson: You broke my heart, but I must say your butt is holding up quite nicely. The rest of the movie I wish I could have erased from my memory.

Nicole: Seth McFarlane “stoop so low”? We’re talking about the creator of Family Guy here, stooping low is his forte. And, he’s usually good at it. (BTW: I’m one of the few who thoroughly enjoyed his turn as Oscar host.) I just think he was out of his wheelhouse here. Maybe the genre wasn’t a good fit. Sure, it scored a few laughs, but a ton of repetitive jokes and few-and-far-between funny gags in a way-too-long script culminated in a lackluster attempt at what could have been a very, very funny movie. Unfortunately, it missed the mark on too many occasions to count. So says a person who really and truly enjoys a fart joke. Don’t highbrow me, ‘merica!

elizabeth: And this is coming from someone who laughed her ass off while watching TheCampaign and then prayed for forgiveness.  Do yourself a favor and just watch the trailer. Asusual, they took all the semi-amusing scenes and made a 30-second commercial of out it. You don’t want to go beyond that time allotment. Give your money to charity. You’ll feel better. Or just send me your damn money. I’ll make sure it gets to the right places – like Neiman Marcus.

The Film Fatales give A MILLION WAYS TO DIE IN THE WEST

X-MEN: Days of Future Past

This Marvel universe's future depends on its past being rewritten. 

X-Men: Days of Future Past. 2014. PG-13. 131 minutes. Starring Hugh Jackman, James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender, Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellan, Jennifer Lawrence, Nicholas Hoult, Halle Berry, Ellen Page, Peter Dinklage, Shawn Ashmore, Omar Sy, Evan Peters...and a host of cameos (some you'd expect, others you won't).

The X-Men send Wolverine to the past in a desperate effort to change history and prevent an event that results in doom for both humans and mutants. (IMDb)

Nicole: Cassidy, I can just hear you now: "Oh, God, not another comic book flick." Well, sorry to say it, but this genre ain't going anywhere. So, buck up soldier and take one for Team Fangirl. 

elizabeth: You just woke me up from a nap. Colin Firth and Daniel Day-Lewis were fighting over me. I was just going to tell them which one I would run away with and then I asked them both to don tights and fancy head gear. 

Nicole: Not a cravat or waistcoat? You’re slipping, Cassidy. Of late, the clever and mischievous minds at Marvel have been all about drastically rewriting history (as evidenced by the complete dismantling of S.H.I.E.L.D. in Captain America: The Winter Soldier). Well, this part of the X-Men franchise, which hinges on 2011's X:Men: First Class, is no different. Where First Class helped to establish the historical foundation of the X-Men team of mutants, Days of Future Past obliterates it, rebuilds it and leaves room to renovate it for 2016's gravely titled X-Men: Apocalypse. 

elizabeth: Say what?

Nicole: What. I said it. There. Moving on… To prevent the very bleak future from ever having taken place, Charles Xavier/Professor X (played in the future by Patrick Stewart and in the past by James McAvoy) and Erik Lehnsherr/Magneto (played in the future by Ian McKellan and in the past by Michael Fassbender) task Kitty Pryde (Ellen Page) with sending Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) back into the past to warn their younger selves of their impending doom. Wolverine's mission includes stopping a now rogue Raven/Mystique (Jennifer Lawrence) from killing the man responsible for inventing the Sentinels, an army of unstoppable mutant-cloaking robots cloned from her own DNA. But, before Wolverine can do that, he must reunite the feuding Charles and Erik...both of whom have seen far better days. 

elizabeth: All this back to the future traveling makes me wonder if it would have been easier if they just used a DeLorean DMC-12. Insert groan.

Nicole: That certainly would have been easier for Wolverine. Fans may disagree with me on this point, but I'm gonna suit up and suffer any punches. I found this movie lagged a little, and maybe by a very small margin wasn't as good as First Class. BUT...it was excellent in providing the surprise factor and a dizzying assortment of cameos. It is dialog heavy and action light, so if you're expecting the same pace as say Winter Soldier or Avengers, you won't get it. Because of the time travel plot line, they had a lot of ground to cover that didn't necessarily involve action sequences. That being said, it's still a great movie that's super important to the entire mythology. (And, do not leave the theater for any reason, lest you miss the movie's best scene featuring Quicksilver [Evan Peters]. Trust me, you're gonna love every second of his screen time.)

elizabeth: I have said this to you before, but it bears repeating: Go outside and stare at the yellow round ball in the sky. Your D-3 need is running low.

The Film Fatales (well, one of us anyway…)
give X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST