Liz & Dick

The Film Fatales suffer senselessly through a Lifetime movie.

2012. 88 minutes. Starring Lindsay Lohan and Grant Bowler. Directed by Lloyd Kramer. Appearing on Lifetime – Television for Women Who Need to Stop Watching Lifetime and Realize There’s Better Entertainment to Be Had Elsewhere.

On the set of Cleopatra…Elizabeth Taylor, fell into the arms of one of the world's greatest actors, Richard Burton - and she didn't leave. Their subsequent white-hot, scandalous love affair gave rise to the paparazzi and they became the most hunted and photographed couple on earth….This Elizabeth Taylor - Richard Burton story is a no-holds barred account of their undying, but impossible love. [imdb]

Nicole: 88 minutes. 88 minutes never felt so long in my entire life. Except that one time at the DMV when I had to get my picture retaken. But even that was less painful than the torturous 88 minutes it took to tell the story of Liz Taylor and Richard Burton’s tempestuous love affair. I suffered through it, thanks in part to having it play in the background while I shopped for holiday gifts online then resorted to playing Bejeweled. Judge me, go ahead. But I highly doubt you would have done any different – lest you’re some kind of masochist and actually enjoyed this film. I can’t even use the word film. Film is too good a word for this waste of celluloid. 

elizabeth: I just love your description of the Lifetime channel. I am always a little uncomfortable putting Lifetime on while the TV is plugged in. How did Project Runway end up on it? We were talking about Liz and Dick. I mean, you were. The commercials were enough to keep me away. I did sneak a look, but the only two people who can play Liz and Dick are dead. Case closed. If you want to see steam come off your 236” flat screen then watch some of the old footage of Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton.

Nicole: OK, insults accounted for – why was it so bad? Two words: Lindsay Lohan. Only if I put a piece of cheesecloth over my face and stuffed my ears full of cotton would Lindsay Lohan look and sound like Liz Taylor. In what high-on-crack universe did the casting agents responsible for this “film” think Lindsay Lohan was up to the task of playing Liz Taylor? Was Sean Young not available? Was Courtney Love too busy? Was Rose McGowan having her face dramatically altered again? Frankly, I can’t think of any reason why the geniuses over at Lifetime thought Lindsay Lohan could master the part – except that those clever, conniving fiends figured everyone would tune in to see the inevitable train wreck. Screw quality – we want numbers! That’s what it’s all about in the end, ain’t it? Ratings. 

Lindsay – a word of advice. Fire your agent and stick to comedies. Try channeling yourself circa Mean Girls. Don’t try to challenge yourself. Stay comfortably in your niche and enjoy a profitable career. 

elizabeth: I feel a great deal of sadness  toward Lindsay Lohan. She didn’t ask for her life to totally unfold in front of us. The hell with the movie and the part she was not born to play. She needs to step back and tell all of the manipulative people in LA to go feast on someone else’s bare bones. Her real talent will be there when she gets back to being Lindsay. I just hope the reviews will not cause her to plummet even further down an unforgiving rabbit hole.

Nicole: When the hell did you become nicer than me? Quit it. 

The Film Fatales give Liz & Dick