The Film Fatales’ Casting Couch

The Film Fatales are taking names 
and recasting some of your favorite movies.

Nicole: So, Cassidy – ever found yourself watching a movie and thinking: “God, this is a great movie, but it would be soooooooooo much better if so-and-so were playing the lead”?

I can think of three movies in particular that I’d love to recast. In fact, watching them now with my choices in mind makes them almost hard to watch – thinking of what could have been if H-wood had only made the right choices!

elizabeth: You got to get out in the fresh air more often. I have to say that I don’t really think about it although I know one certain actor ruins it for me all the time. Read on.

Nicole’s Casting Couch

Moonstruck. 1987. Starring Cher and Nicolas Cage.

Nicolas Effing Cage. Look, it’s a mystery to me why after spending years ruining delightful romantic comedies he’s now an action hero – but I prefer him in that genre rather than anything remotely romantic in theme. I know Cher handpicked Cage for this role, but she screwed up. There, I said it. Who should have gotten the role: Mickey Rourke. Hang on, hang on. Before you get your panties all in a bunch – this was pre-wrestling/pre-plastic surgery Rourke. I’m talking Diner Rourke. See? Now you’re reading me loud and clear, aren’t you? Let it sink in and the next time you watch Moonstruck, it’s gonna hit you like a ton of bricks. 

Chicago. 2002. Starring Renee Zellweger, Catherine Zeta Jones and Richard Gere.

I bet you think I’m going to recast Zellweger here, huh? Nope. As much as I want to, she sold this role. It’s Gere. Sure, I know there’s a long history of Billy Flynn’s having a sincere lack of musical prowess, and Gere did an OK job considering. It could have been a lot worse. But, now – take a minute…and sit down, ‘cause your knees will buckle after I make my case: think how much better this movie could have been with Hugh Jackman in the Billy Flynn role. Yep. It’s all you can think about, huh? Yup. Me, too. Sigh. Sad it didn’t happen. He’s a triple threat (strike that – quadruple): He can act, sing, dance and look smokin’ hot – all at the same time. A seriously tragic example of missed-opportunity casting. 

The Bridges of Madison County. 1995. Starring Meryl Streep and Clint Eastwood.

I think you know right off the bat who I’m recasting here. Yes, sometimes I am predictable. Look, when I think romantic lead – I’m not thinking Dirty Harry and the octogenarian who currently talks to empty chairs. No, when I want some shootin’ up and takin’ names, I’ll call in Clint. But, for stoking the fire of a whirlwind love affair, I’m calling in the big guns: Robert Redford. I almost can’t even think about it without flying into a rage at the piss-poor casting of this film. My God, did the producers of Bridges never see Out of Africa? Now, that’s chemistry. Oh, for frick’s sake. You don’t cast Clint Eastwood in a movie that’s made for Robert Redford. You just don’t. Sucker, please.  

elizabeth’s Casting Couch (is all fluffed up and ready)

I am going to pick on one actor who has always leaned on my last nerve since his first starring role. I don’t get his appeal. He is like a nerdy high school boy who would have loved feeling up some girl at the movies, but never did get the chance. So he took up acting and now I avoid his movies like the plague while millions of people do a semi worship-like dance around him. So excuse the pun, but I am pointing my cruise missile at Mr. Tom Cruise.

A Few Good Men. 1992. Starring Little Tommy Cruise, Jack Nicholson, Demi Moore and Kevin Bacon.

It felt like he was playing dress up in his big brother’s uniform and his performance did not ring true to me. At all. I think Tom should lay off the sugar before he does another film. Calm down a tad. Couldn’t you just see George Clooney playing this role of Lt. Daniel Kaffee? He would have been so cool and totally in charge. Clooney would have shut Jack Nicolson up with just a raised eyebrow. And that would work on me, too. Just in case George is reading our reviews.

Rock of Ages. 2012. Starring Tom without a shirt on. (Who cares?)

When I heard that Tom Cruise was going to play a hot, heavy metal rock star from the 1980s, I threw up a little in my mouth. Who handled the casting for this movie? Now if they had listened to me (alas, they forgot to consult with me), they would have been on the short list for multiple Oscars if they had only cast Javier Bardem in the Stacee Jaxx role. Hell, I would have found Joe Pesce more to my liking than Cruise in this role. Okay, I am lying right about now about Pesce. But I can see Javier sans shirt singing just to me. You can leave now.

Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles. 1994. Starring Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt and Kirsten Dunst.

Ann Rice’s Interview with the Vampire was one of my favorite books and then someone thought, “Let’s cast Tom Cruise in the movie version.” Your mother is on the phone and you’re in trouble.This is a casting mistake of epidemic proportions. When I think of a vampire in all his finery checking out my neck for a late night libation, Mr. Cruise is not in the same country as moi.  If I am going to give it up for anyone, it shall be Colin Firth.

Now it’s your turn – get on the couch!

So who do you think was miscast in a movie? Don’t be shy. Do tell. 

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