Monday, July 2

Snow White and the Huntsman

A wooden princess, a murderous queen, and a beefy hunter – Oh, my! The Film Fatales tell you why it’s probably best that you skip…

Snow White and the Huntsman

2012. Rated PG-13. 127 minutes. Starring Kristen Stewart, Charlize Theron, Chris Hemsworth. Directed by Rupert Sanders.

In a twist to the fairy tale, the Huntsman ordered to take Snow White into the woods to be killed winds up becoming her protector and mentor in a quest to vanquish the Evil Queen. [imdb]

Nicole: So, Cassidy. Let me tell you about the last movie I saw: Snow White and the Huntsman.  You know the drill – pretty princess vs. an evil queen, some short guys, and an apple. Well – that’s where the similarities end. This movie was such a diversion from the original, popularized tale we know and love that it’s almost unrecognizable. I was thinking: Cool! A kick-ass Snow White! A princess for modern times. This should be awesome! Shame it wasn’t.

Snow White takes a bite of the Big Apple.

elizabeth:  I hate when people mess with things from our childhood. Fairy tales of yore tapped into my fertile imagination and each tale seems to include a little life lesson that this former six-year-old could comprehend. Hollywood screenwriters really should use their own damn imagination and come up with something original. If I was one of the Brothers Grimm (or the Brothers Gibb) I would sue.

Nicole: Yes, and especially if you were one of the Brothers Gibb—those post-modern spinners of yarn and creators of high-octave earworms. So, say I told you that this movie contains subtle (and not so subtle) themes of sexism, rape, incest, violence, sex, and murder – would you believe it was rated PG-13? 

Mirror, mirror on the wall -- you're freaking me out!
elizabeth:  That is really making my head start to sweat. How dare they even touch on themes like sexism, rape, and incest and give the movie a PG-13 rating. I would like to know how many women were involved with getting this movie off the ground. Guess it didn’t bother them. Shame on them and even the lead actresses. But I would imagine that their fat cash cows must have the power to lure them to sleep every night…in their own personalized glass coffins. 

Nicole: Yea, I’d imagine nobody involved in the making of this film has trouble sleeping at night. In my eyes, this movie should have been a hard R. But, let’s not forget: Kristen Stewart in it – which means H-wood didn’t wanna lose that ‘tween audience with an R rating. And frankly, that sickens me. But, I digress. (If I get on that soap box, I’ll never step down.) 

elizabeth:  I think you just stepped on my foot. Let me get off the soapbox so you can continue.

Nicole: Thank you. Ultimately, this movie has a flawed plot, lackluster dialog, and predictable direction. The best thing that can be said is that it’s visually stunning (Hello Prince William – when you get out of the Dark Forest, ring me up). Special effects, costume, and art direction all should be proud. Everyone else – well, they can shove it. Namely Kristen Stewart, who gives yet another wooden performance. How long must we be subjected to her lifeless portrayals and crappy deliveries? (Oh wait, wasn’t she just listed as the highest paid actress in Hollywood? I swear, I give up.)

This Evil Queen's beauty regimen can't be bottled.

As for the Charlize – she did a fairly good job as Snow White’s evil nemesis, but I think she probably was done a disservice by a weak script and poor editing. Her character was basically a fairy-tale altered Lucrezia Borgia/Elizabeth Bathory: incest, murder, drinking blood, robbing the essence of young women to maintain her youth, bathing in milk. Sure, it’s a mash-up of historical inaccuracy – but there’s enough homage there to clearly pick up what they were putting down. In fact, it repeatedly thumps you over the damn head. Gratuitous and unnecessary. 

elizabeth:  And I quote you (because I can), “Drinking blood, robbing the essence of young women to maintain her youth, bathing in milk.” Sounds like a Saturday around my house.

The Huntsman is mighty, but this script falls short.

Nicole: Come to think of it, you do throw a helluva party. But seriously folks, not even beefcake can save this movie: Chris Hemsworth can slay all the evil armies he can muster all while looking like Mr. November, but even he cannot save this movie. So, Cassidy, I really think you should skip this one. Save your 12 bucks and buy yourself a latte. You’ll enjoy it way more. 

elizabeth:  Lattes are now 12 bucks? Well that explains why the Evil Queen drank blood. It was cheaper. And I will have a side of beefcake with my goblet of blood. Make mine Mr. May I. 

 Nicole gives Snow White and the Huntsman


  1. Having seen the movie, I can say your review is spot on. Kristen Stewart was horrible. And, yes--Charlize was definitely done a disservice!

    One thing you forgot to mention: The Huntsman is yuuuuummmmmmmmy! ;)

  2. AnonymousJuly 02, 2012

    Yeah, normally i'm not a fan of beefcake, but that huntsman was HUMINAAAAAAAAA.


  3. AnonymousJuly 03, 2012

    I must have a blown fuse or something -- I just don't see it. --Nicole