The Amazing Spider-Man

Excelsior! The latest Spidey reboot hits and misses, but is still a super-fun ride. 

The Amazing Spider-Man

Peter Parker finds a clue that might help him understand why his parents disappeared when he was young. His path puts him on a collision course with Dr. Curt Connors, his father's former partner. [imdb]

Rated PG-13. 136 minutes. Starring Andrew Garfield, Emma Stone, Rhys Ifans, Dennis Leary, Martin Sheen and Sally Field. Directed by Marc Webb.

Nicole: So, Cassidy. It would seem I can’t get enough quality comic book hero time this summer – and I’m in luck, ‘cause apparently there’s no shortage of adaptations and sequels. Some people might think that it was a little soon for a reboot of the Spider-Man series, since the Tobey McGuire series is so fresh in everyone’s minds. And, that may be so.

elizabeth: I hope you are not going to try to convince me that this is a period film because of the costumes. Now Colin Firth in tights might get me into the theater – or arrested for breaking into his London home. Adaptations and sequels – does the literal translation mean – we haven’t had an original idea for a movie since phone booths were on nearly every corner in this country (and not for Superman to go stripping in).

Andrew Garfield, the latest to don the uniform, does a fine job.

Nicole: I miss the good old days of phone booths -- for stripping in. Now, I’m not saying this flick ain't worth your 12 bucks. It is. And, it’s enjoyable. But there’s something missing, though I can’t quite say just what. Perhaps it had something to do with all the backend editing in post-production. Perhaps it was the choice of villains (Lizard isn’t exactly polarizing or all that frightening – and frankly, Rhys Ifans (Dr. Connors) deserved to play a more compelling villain as he’s certainly got the chops to master one).

elizabeth: A lizard takes over Manhattan? Send him down to any subway station – our rats will take care of it. Girl gets Spider-Man in her web. Fade to black.

Emma Stone and Garfield create on-screen (and off-screen) sparks.

Nicole: LOL. Yea, any NYC Rat King could likely undo this villain, but I digress. So, Cassidy,  you know how Emma Stone (Gwen Stacey) and Andrew Garfield (Peter Parker/Spider-Man) became an item on the set of this movie? Yea, well – the chemistry is pretty obvious. That’s why their scenes together are so convincing. Shame there wasn’t more of them. At times, the movie felt rushed to hit key plot points, and then at times it felt like it was wasting time covering the same surface. I found myself wondering what better use could have been made of that time. And that kind of brought me out of the film, when instead, I should have been riveted.

elizabeth: I think I will continue to boycott these rehashed movies until Hollywood understands that the fate of this country rests on original scripts. Or me getting my meds adjusted. Again.

Martin Sheen and Sally Fields perplexed by their nephew's odd new behavior.

Nicole: Pah-lease, H-wood hire a writer to pen something original? Not bloody likely. Special effects-wise though, they did a pretty fabulous job, but Lizard could have used a little more fine-tuning on the CGI end. Overall, performances by Garfield, Stone, Sheen, and Leary were stellar. The right mix of humor, angst, and suspense. And, I prefer Garfield’s Spider-Man to McGuire’s. His expressions, stammering lack of confidence, and humor—all were incredibly endearing. I just wish he had a better script to justifiably make himself shine. So, should people run out to see this latest adaptation in the Spidey series? Yea, they should. Why? ‘Cause there’s gonna be a sequel. And, I have a pretty good feeling it’s going to kick this one’s ass.

elizabeth: Did I ever tell you that I am allergic to spider bites? And I think I might have had a bad reaction if I saw this movie. Give me a movie with people and maybe a little less latex and Spanx. Great – now everyone knows what I wear on the weekends. I get to pick the next movie. You obviously cannot be trusted.

The Film Fatales give The Amazing Spider-Man...

With the deepest respect...

The Film Fatales would like to pay our most heartfelt condolences to the victims, survivors, and family members of the terrible tragedy in Aurora, Colorado. Our thoughts and prayers are with you all at this most difficult time. Peace and love.

Magic Mike

The Film Fatales review Magic Mike and wonder whether it is worth shoving a dollar into a thong or should we just put a sock in it?

Magic Mike

A male stripper teaches a younger performer how to party, pick up women, and make easy money. [IMBD.] (elizabeth: I would like to add,  said stripper also saves Timmy’s dog from a well, goes on to become the president of the United States, and grants all strippers amnesty.)

2012. Rated R. 110 minutes. Starring Channing Tatum, Matthew McConaughey, Alex Pettyfer, Olivia Munn, Cody Horn, and Joe Manganiello. Directed by Steven Soderbergh. 

elizabeth: I rarely walk out of a movie praying to be kidnapped by aliens so they can zap the memory of a movie out of my brain. ET, if you are reading this, I am available any time after 10 AM on most weekdays. I have seen more than six naked men (okay, maybe not all at the same time…well, that is all I am going to say on that subject), but my initial feeling was that they all needed a bath and a better script. Cleanliness makes stripping so much more pleasant to watch.

More beef with that cake, madam?

Nicole: I wish we’d had seen this together so I could have seen you writhing in total discomfort. I saw this on a Monday night at 7:40pm. Where, pray tell, can you find a more incoherent, giggly gaggle of women? Answer: Nowhere, but at this showing of Magic Mike. I finally know what kind of movie gets droves of women off their asses and into the theatre. I don’t know whether to be dismayed, disgusted, and disoriented or proud? (It’s the former. Most definitely the former.) I will say this much for the movie: It is a truly authentic portrayal of what goes on inside those clubs. I won’t say how I know. Just that I know. ‘Nuff said. 

elizabeth: Got to give it to Matthew McConaughey’s character Dallas, the strip joint owner –  his body looked like it was slathered with left over butter from your local movie theatre. I felt dirty watching him and not in the good “dirty “way. Channing’s Mike appeared to be constipated during the whole movie and Joe Manganiello got me thinking that I should get HBO so I could see him on True Blood, but then he opened his mouth and I nixed going for the cable upgrade (although I am willing to give him a second chance if he wears that firemen’s outfit to my next birthday party). 

McConaughey hams it up.

But McConaughey was the best part of the movie, and I hated him and all he stood for. But that is okay because his sleaziness provoked an emotion out of me.  Can’t say that about the rest of them. B-O-R-I-N-G. And a quick note to the actors – please enunciate your words. Or, do it in French or Spanish. This way I might have thought it was an art film and would have been kinder in my review. Director Soderbergh should have stayed with just the stripping and fired the screenwriter. A storyline was not warranted. Don’t believe me – go see the movie.

Channing and company.

Nicole: I agree with you on all, save Tatum. Without him, I do believe this movie would have been excruciatingly unwatchable. I thought his comic deliveries were well-timed and on point, his dancing was a-maz-ing, and his character was endearing – given what he had to work with. It will forever remain a mystery to me why Soderbergh took this movie on. ANYONE could have directed this movie. So why Soderbergh saw it necessary to blemish his record with this one is beyond me.

elizabeth: I guess what I am thinking is that life is too short to spend time in the dark watching a movie such as Magic Mike. Women were just throwaways and I was offended by how they were just interchangeable and victims of date rape after a night of drugs and booze. Let’s try to elevate women in films a little more often. We are not your victims.  And showing your bum won’t make it all better.

Nicole: Agreed. And, no surprise that the lead actress (Cody Horn), who’s supposed to provide the film’s moral compass, is the CEO of Warner Brother’s daughter. Gee, I wonder how she got the part??? Suffice to say, she can’t act her way out of a wet paper bag and has one expression for every human emotion. [See image below as proof.]

elizabeth: Just watch the Magic Mike TV commercial. Save your money or send it to me.

The Film Fatales gives Magic Mike

 

Snow White and the Huntsman

A wooden princess, a murderous queen, and a beefy hunter – Oh, my! The Film Fatales tell you why it’s probably best that you skip…

Snow White and the Huntsman

2012. Rated PG-13. 127 minutes. Starring Kristen Stewart, Charlize Theron, Chris Hemsworth. Directed by Rupert Sanders.

In a twist to the fairy tale, the Huntsman ordered to take Snow White into the woods to be killed winds up becoming her protector and mentor in a quest to vanquish the Evil Queen. [imdb]

Nicole: So, Cassidy. Let me tell you about the last movie I saw: Snow White and the Huntsman.  You know the drill – pretty princess vs. an evil queen, some short guys, and an apple. Well – that’s where the similarities end. This movie was such a diversion from the original, popularized tale we know and love that it’s almost unrecognizable. I was thinking: Cool! A kick-ass Snow White! A princess for modern times. This should be awesome! Shame it wasn’t.

Snow White takes a bite of the Big Apple.

elizabeth:  I hate when people mess with things from our childhood. Fairy tales of yore tapped into my fertile imagination and each tale seems to include a little life lesson that this former six-year-old could comprehend. Hollywood screenwriters really should use their own damn imagination and come up with something original. If I was one of the Brothers Grimm (or the Brothers Gibb) I would sue.

Nicole: Yes, and especially if you were one of the Brothers Gibb—those post-modern spinners of yarn and creators of high-octave earworms. So, say I told you that this movie contains subtle (and not so subtle) themes of sexism, rape, incest, violence, sex, and murder – would you believe it was rated PG-13? 

Mirror, mirror on the wall -- you're freaking me out!

elizabeth:  That is really making my head start to sweat. How dare they even touch on themes like sexism, rape, and incest and give the movie a PG-13 rating. I would like to know how many women were involved with getting this movie off the ground. Guess it didn’t bother them. Shame on them and even the lead actresses. But I would imagine that their fat cash cows must have the power to lure them to sleep every night…in their own personalized glass coffins. 

Nicole: Yea, I’d imagine nobody involved in the making of this film has trouble sleeping at night. In my eyes, this movie should have been a hard R. But, let’s not forget: Kristen Stewart in it – which means H-wood didn’t wanna lose that ‘tween audience with an R rating. And frankly, that sickens me. But, I digress. (If I get on that soap box, I’ll never step down.) 

elizabeth:  I think you just stepped on my foot. Let me get off the soapbox so you can continue.

Nicole: Thank you. Ultimately, this movie has a flawed plot, lackluster dialog, and predictable direction. The best thing that can be said is that it’s visually stunning (Hello Prince William – when you get out of the Dark Forest, ring me up). Special effects, costume, and art direction all should be proud. Everyone else – well, they can shove it. Namely Kristen Stewart, who gives yet another wooden performance. How long must we be subjected to her lifeless portrayals and crappy deliveries? (Oh wait, wasn’t she just listed as the highest paid actress in Hollywood? I swear, I give up.)

This Evil Queen's beauty regimen can't be bottled.

As for the Charlize – she did a fairly good job as Snow White’s evil nemesis, but I think she probably was done a disservice by a weak script and poor editing. Her character was basically a fairy-tale altered Lucrezia Borgia/Elizabeth Bathory: incest, murder, drinking blood, robbing the essence of young women to maintain her youth, bathing in milk. Sure, it’s a mash-up of historical inaccuracy – but there’s enough homage there to clearly pick up what they were putting down. In fact, it repeatedly thumps you over the damn head. Gratuitous and unnecessary. 

elizabeth:  And I quote you (because I can), “Drinking blood, robbing the essence of young women to maintain her youth, bathing in milk.” Sounds like a Saturday around my house.

The Huntsman is mighty, but this script falls short.

Nicole: Come to think of it, you do throw a helluva party. But seriously folks, not even beefcake can save this movie: Chris Hemsworth can slay all the evil armies he can muster all while looking like Mr. November, but even he cannot save this movie. So, Cassidy, I really think you should skip this one. Save your 12 bucks and buy yourself a latte. You’ll enjoy it way more. 

elizabeth:  Lattes are now 12 bucks? Well that explains why the Evil Queen drank blood. It was cheaper. And I will have a side of beefcake with my goblet of blood. Make mine Mr. May I. 

 Nicole gives Snow White and the Huntsman

 

DOUBLE FEATURE: The Avengers & Men in Black III

The Film Fatales go it alone to fight the evil forces in the world. Two movies. Two reviews. Sit down and read them.

elizabeth:  Just so people don’t think that Nicole and I wear matching outfits and complete each other’s sentences, we ventured out to see a couple of new releases by ourselves. Before I even put one word down about my review, let me just say this – I got screwed royally. She got to see a movie with a bunch of hot guys in really tight costumes. I got to see…well, read on. I’ll let Nicole go first. She is feeling rather smug and I am working on letting the air out of her car’s tires.

The Avengers

2012. PG-13. 143 minutes. Starring Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Mark Ruffalo, Scarlett Johansson, Jeremy Renner, Chris Hemsworth, and Samuel L. Jackson. Directed by Joss Whedon. 

Nick Fury of S.H.I.E.L.D. brings together a team of super humans to form The Avengers to help save the Earth from Loki and his army. [imdb]

Nicole: I admit it. I like a good comic-book-into-film adaptation—even if I don’t actually read comic books. But I gotta say, this Marvel universe wowed me. It took a while, and many interpretations, but Hollywood finally got it right with The Avengers. (I know, I’m a bit late to the party on this one—it’s been out for a chunk of time. Humor me.) 

I’m going to talk less about plot and more about chemistry—since I don’t want to insult hardcore comic fans with my dreadful lack of knowledge. Let’s just say I’m living proof that you don’t have to know every detail of the back story to enjoy this movie. The cast camaraderie, the direction (kudos to Joss Whedon—the ultimate fanboy—for hitting the nail on the head), and the special effects combine to make this a truly amazing 2+ hours. 

First, the cast. Listen, I’d watch Robert Downey, Jr. open and read his mail for 143 minutes—so that’s a no brainer. And, as Tony Stark (aka Iron Man), he’s in rare form. Maybe even better than in the standalone movies, because he gets to bounce his wit and expertise off of the other Avengers. His one-liners will literally make you laugh out loud, not just LOL. I mean, literally. Next, Mark Ruffalo as Dr. Bruce Banner (aka The Incredible Hulk). Let’s just say Ed Norton should really try to wipe that role off his curriculum vitae—‘cause this is the only Hulk worth watching. The best casting since the mash-up of Bill Bixby and Lou Ferrigno in the late 70s/early 80s TV series. Hands down. (His standalone feature will be impressive—you can bet on that.) 

Chris Evans as Captain America is a good sport, even if his perfect gentlemen do-gooder act is rather heavy-handed. Chris Hemsworth as Thor (why do all space aliens, Vikings, and Romans have English accents in movies?) is terrifically matched against his adopted, evil brother Loki (Tom Hiddleston), who plays villain to the chord of fitfully creepy. Jeremy Renner as Hawkeye could have enjoyed more back story to really appreciate his character, but was nonetheless badass. Scarlett Johansson as Black Widow excels in her fight scenes, but leaves something to be desired in the others. Agent Phil Caulson (Clark Gregg) shines, as always, in this role. And, S.H.I.E.L.D.’s #1 man, Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) pulls everything together, even if he has a questionable secret agenda. 

What’s most enjoyable about this movie is that it doesn’t take itself seriously—despite all the tremendous effects, the heavy plot, the countless details. It pokes fun at itself, while getting the job done. And a smattering of self-deprecation is always an endearing trait. Even if you don’t like these types of movies, trust me, you will be entertained. And, you may even be hooked. 

Men in Black III

2012 PG-12. 106 minutes.  Starring Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin, Emma Thompson and a bunch of revolting looking aliens. Directed by Barry Sonnenfeld.

Agent J travels in time to MIB's early years in the 1960s, to stop an alien from assassinating his friend Agent K and changing history. (imdb)

elizabeth: I went into the theatre thinking that this could be an entertaining romp through the world of good vs. evil. They had 14 years to perfect a fabulous script with lots of special effects to keep my night light on for years. Little did I know that I would end up hoping that Boris (don’t call him “animal”) would have been afforded the opportunity to wipe out all the humans on the planet (except for me and a bunch of really good looking men. Sorry, Nicole, I’ll miss you.) 

The plot was weak, even though it sounds great on paper. Let’s go back and change the course of history. Count me in. Next time, bring John Lennon back. The dialogue scarcely kept you from going into REM. Being honest for a minute—I feel asleep twice during the movie. And, just for the record—I am adorable when I slumber.

The aliens looked like they could have cared less. They were just going through the motions and hoping to get a SAG card.

The one thing that did hold my attention was Emma Thompson’s hair. I kept waiting for Agent O’s hair to evolve into something sinister, but it was just hair. See where I am going with this. If the hairstyle can’t even save the movie, then why bother?

I can’t fault Will Smith or Tommy Lee Jones. They are terrific actors and Josh Brolin did a stellar job as a younger Agent K (Jones). 

Men in Black III stands for: Movie Is Boring to the 3^rd degree.

Do not attempt to watch this movie while handling heavy equipment.

Nicole gives The Avengers:  

elizabeth gives MIB3:

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

2012. PG-13. 124 minutes. Starring Judi Dench, Bill Nighy, Dev Patel, Maggie Smith, Tom Wilkinson. Directed by John Madden. 

British retirees travel to India to take up residence in what they believe is a newly restored hotel. Less luxurious than its advertisements, the Marigold Hotel nevertheless slowly begins to charm in unexpected ways. (imdb)

elizabeth: I think I can speak for Nicole (by putting my hand in her back and barely moving my lips) when I say we were both very excited about seeing The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. The cast is a who’s who of some of the best British actors around. Okay, okay, Colin Firth was not available. I think he was on the set of Bridget Jones Goes Through Menopause.

This movie is a travelogue about India – a country I am not all that familiar with. Perhaps it is the poverty and the caste system that doesn’t pull me into discovering more about it. But this movie is a love story about the people who live in crowded conditions and as a westerner I was moved to see this and pleasantly surprised to see happy people. It almost felt that the story we came to experience was somewhere in the background. As much as I was drawn into India’s story, I was missing the Brits and their tales.

But when Judi Dench, Bill Nighy, Maggie Smith, Tom Wilkinson and the rest of this brilliant cast did show up and tell their stories, I was taken in and happily so. But I wanted more of their stories. My secret favorite (I guess it is not a secret anymore) is Ronald Pickup who was Howard the horny man on a mission.

Nicole: …ahem, can I speak now? Hope I didn’t give you splinters, cassidy. Though that is kinda what you deserve keeping me cooped up in that suitcase you drag from gig to gig. But I digress…

I enjoyed this movie, but not so much that I’d sit down to watch it again. Nor do I think it will be remembered come Oscar time (even if Dev Patel gave a wonderful performance as the near-do-well Sonny). That’s probably because the character development of this rather large cast was sloppy and ill-formed. Frankly, I think I knew more about the four or so elderly women sitting in the row in front of us than the actual cast of this movie. 

elizabeth:  I think the most important thing I am taking away from this movie is that age that does not mean that finding love and having a healthy love (sex) life is no longer a reality. (Thank God!!!)

And Dev Patel who portrayed Sonny Kapoor, the current owner of The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel deserves an Oscar nomination. He made me believe that anything is possible. And how freaking great is that?

Nicole: It’s interesting that they were able to assemble such a star-studded English cast such as this with an underdeveloped script. I know it sounds like I hated this film – but I didn’t. Given what they were given, Dench and company nonetheless shined.  But a better plot with richer character focus would have served them well. 

So, I guess that means Cassidy and I are kinda/sorta disagreeing for the first time. But this was not the kicking and dragging fight I was hoping for. Oh well, better luck next time. 

The Film Fatales give The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel: 

+

Movies We Insist You See: Romances

Admit it, you’re just as sappy as we are. (Maybe even more so, considering we’re two pretty tough broads.) For those moments when you want to have a good cry or feel all mushy inside, consider our must-see romantic movie picks. Have a box of tissues handy and some surefire way to retrieve your dignity. 

THE FILM FATALES' Top Romantic Movies

Nicole’s Picks

An Affair to Remember: Sure, a lot of it is cornball 1950s romance, but I defy you not to weep madly when Cary Grant discovers exactly why Deborah Kerr didn’t make it to the top of the Empire State Building that fateful night. And if you don’t, well—you’re obviously heartless.

Out of Africa: Streep and Redford. COME ON! With those two, you just know it’s gonna be great. And how it was, is, and always will be. I will never get over the scene with the lions. Ever. It’s just not gonna happen. I’m typing this and starting to well up. Must.move.on.

Gone with the Wind: It may be a cliché, but there’s nothing quite like Rhett’s unwavering love for that bitch of a belle Scarlet—even if they don’t end up happily ever after.  

 Wuthering Heights (1992): I admit to being a bit of a snob when it comes to adapting the classics into film—especially when it comes to the Bröntes. To date, this is the best version. Everything from art direction to cinematography—this version trumps all others by far. Not to mention a gripping portrayal by Ralph Fiennes (and his piercing blue eyes and jet black hair—smelling salts please!)  Fiennes and Juliet Binoche perfectly embody Heathcliff and Catherine. The coffin scene will have you struck dumb with sadness and awe. 

Sleepless in Seattle: What can I say? Everything’s right in the world when Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan are paired up. And the fact that my #1 pick plays heavily into this plotline is no coincidence. Never mind that Hanks and Ryan aren’t on screen together for nearly the entire movie—yet the romance still manages to hit fever pitch. How’d they do that?

 elizabeth’s Picks

The Way We Were: Redford and Streisand were the perfect couple in this doomed love story: so different and yet you want their love triumph over outside forces. Put down Fifty Shades of Grey and rent this movie and behold what real hot passion is all about. Come on, look at Redford’s face. Yeah, I don’t want him either.

When Harry Met Sally: I love films that have Manhattan as their backdrop and these two knuckleheads (Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan) did the avoidance dance until they realized that love was staring right at them. Plus, I think humor can be quite sexy and then there is that scene about the fake orgasm that makes me cheer. 

Yeah, like you haven’t been there before?

 

Annie Hall: Maybe it is me, but I love to see people who should not be together, be together. Annie Hall (Diane Keaton) and Alvy Singer (Woody Allen) are perfectly matched as a neurotic couple that can’t get their love on the same psychologist’s sofa.  And again, I think there is something sexy about intelligence and insecurity—something Allen does better than any other human being. I know my friends cover their ears when I say I think Woody is sexy and that I would sleep with him. Again. La-di-da, la-di-da, la la.

The Philadelphia Story: The 1940s had a lot of great romantic movies and I always thought how lucky Katharine Hepburn (Tray Lord) was to have Cary Grant (C.K. Dexter Haven—the name of our fist family dog) as her husband although he was a bit of a drinker and she kicks him out of the house. And then Hepburn’s character decides to remarry. Oh really? Is Cary Grant in the house?

 

The Last of the Mohicans: Okay, this was not filmed anywhere close to Manhattan, but I will sum this up in three words: Daniel Day Lewis. Daniel Day Lewis in long hair and in love. That is all I need. And there is some storyline going on between him being on and off the screen. Who cares?

Introducing THE FILM FATALES Rating System

We admit it, we're no ordinary duo. 

As two sassy broads, we knew the old-fashioned 4-star rating system for reviewing movies wasn't gonna cut it. We wanted something that screamed US! And, what better way to do that than with a spicy red stiletto? Hmm?

So, with much fanfare and drama (as we're wont to deliver at any given moment), we introduce:

THE FILM FATALES Rating System

Four Stilettos

For those movies that really knock our fishnets off. The cream of the crop. The bee's knees of cinematic excellence earns not one, not two or three -- but four sassy, red stilettos.

Three and a Half Stilettos

For those films that are near perfect, but just don't quite deserve a perfect score, there's the three-and-a-half stiletto rating.

Three Stilettos

For those movies that are really and truly great, but not quite good enough to get you that 4.0 GPA you were hoping for. Still admirable, but not head of the class.

Two and a Half Stilettos

For those cinematic misadventures that are really just phoning it in and are hardly worth the celluloid they're printed on. Those half-in-the-can matinee specials. You know the ones.

Two Stilettos

For those films that really don't deserve to be called films. To be honest, these movies would have been better off debuting on DVD.

One and a Half Stilettos

For those movies you're too embarrassed to admit you paid good money to see. The kind of movie that robs you of time, patience, and sanity.

One Stiletto

For those movies that are so God-awful you're left wondering "what in Sam Hill was Hollywood thinking"? Watching Aunt Irma's trip to the Grand Canyon slideshow is time better spent than wasting precious hours on crap like this.

So, that's the scoop! Look for our new rating system to appear at the end of each post. Buckle up, ladies and gents, it's bound to be a bumpy ride ;)