Liz & Dick

The Film Fatales suffer senselessly through a Lifetime movie.

2012. 88 minutes. Starring Lindsay Lohan and Grant Bowler. Directed by Lloyd Kramer. Appearing on Lifetime – Television for Women Who Need to Stop Watching Lifetime and Realize There’s Better Entertainment to Be Had Elsewhere.

On the set of Cleopatra…Elizabeth Taylor, fell into the arms of one of the world's greatest actors, Richard Burton - and she didn't leave. Their subsequent white-hot, scandalous love affair gave rise to the paparazzi and they became the most hunted and photographed couple on earth….This Elizabeth Taylor - Richard Burton story is a no-holds barred account of their undying, but impossible love. [imdb]

Nicole: 88 minutes. 88 minutes never felt so long in my entire life. Except that one time at the DMV when I had to get my picture retaken. But even that was less painful than the torturous 88 minutes it took to tell the story of Liz Taylor and Richard Burton’s tempestuous love affair. I suffered through it, thanks in part to having it play in the background while I shopped for holiday gifts online then resorted to playing Bejeweled. Judge me, go ahead. But I highly doubt you would have done any different – lest you’re some kind of masochist and actually enjoyed this film. I can’t even use the word film. Film is too good a word for this waste of celluloid. 

elizabeth: I just love your description of the Lifetime channel. I am always a little uncomfortable putting Lifetime on while the TV is plugged in. How did Project Runway end up on it? We were talking about Liz and Dick. I mean, you were. The commercials were enough to keep me away. I did sneak a look, but the only two people who can play Liz and Dick are dead. Case closed. If you want to see steam come off your 236” flat screen then watch some of the old footage of Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton.

Nicole: OK, insults accounted for – why was it so bad? Two words: Lindsay Lohan. Only if I put a piece of cheesecloth over my face and stuffed my ears full of cotton would Lindsay Lohan look and sound like Liz Taylor. In what high-on-crack universe did the casting agents responsible for this “film” think Lindsay Lohan was up to the task of playing Liz Taylor? Was Sean Young not available? Was Courtney Love too busy? Was Rose McGowan having her face dramatically altered again? Frankly, I can’t think of any reason why the geniuses over at Lifetime thought Lindsay Lohan could master the part – except that those clever, conniving fiends figured everyone would tune in to see the inevitable train wreck. Screw quality – we want numbers! That’s what it’s all about in the end, ain’t it? Ratings. 

Lindsay – a word of advice. Fire your agent and stick to comedies. Try channeling yourself circa Mean Girls. Don’t try to challenge yourself. Stay comfortably in your niche and enjoy a profitable career. 

elizabeth: I feel a great deal of sadness  toward Lindsay Lohan. She didn’t ask for her life to totally unfold in front of us. The hell with the movie and the part she was not born to play. She needs to step back and tell all of the manipulative people in LA to go feast on someone else’s bare bones. Her real talent will be there when she gets back to being Lindsay. I just hope the reviews will not cause her to plummet even further down an unforgiving rabbit hole.

Nicole: When the hell did you become nicer than me? Quit it. 

The Film Fatales give Liz & Dick

Lincoln

The Film Fatales, a couple of New York yanks, court President Lincoln.

2012. 150 mins. Starring Daniel Day Lewis, Sally Field, Tommy Lee Jones and David Strathairn. Screenplay by Tony Kushner. Directed by Steven Spielberg.

As the Civil War continues to rage, America's president struggles with continuing carnage on the battlefield and as he fights with many inside his own cabinet on the decision to emancipate the slaves. [imdb]

Nicole: Upon seeing the first stills from the set of this movie, I had a feeling it would be a masterpiece. Daniel Day Lewis in full Lincoln costume – uncanny resemblance. Those stills and the previews that followed proved my hunch right. Spielberg honored Lincoln, arguably our greatest president, with a delicate respect and truthfulness. By relying on Doris Kearns Goodwin’s weighty tome “Team of Rivals,” Spielberg was certain to make film history. Source material aside, this film might not have been as masterfully crafted if not for Spielberg’s careful and dedicated direction.

elizabeth: I also knew upon walking into the theatre that this would be a movie for the ages.  We all know how it ends, so I appreciated the very intimate portrayal into the life of this gentle man, his family and the country he presided over. Spielberg’s genius in taking this book to film made me grieve for the potential that ended at the Ford Theatre on April 15, 1865. I walked out wanting to read Kearns Goodwin’s book and Santa if you are listening…

Nicole: As for the cast – it’s hard to imagine better. I think Daniel Day Lewis was born to play this role. At times, he disappeared into Lincoln and I was certain I was watching Lincoln himself. Day Lewis’ portrayal afforded us a look at Lincoln’s sense of humor, innate gift for telling stories, and affectionate character.  Day Lewis turned Lincoln from a political icon into a human being. If he doesn’t win the Oscar, he’ll have truly been robbed.

Sally Fields, who fought hard for this role despite the 10-year age difference between her and Day Lewis, was also remarkable. The tired, old POV of Mary Todd Lincoln as a hysterical, irrational woman is now cast aside. Instead, we’re given what is probably a more accurate picture of Mrs. Lincoln: A woman struck with grief over the untimely death of her middle son. A woman who was not afraid to mourn in a time period when prolonged grief was often misconstrued for madness. Fields delved deeper into Mrs. Lincoln’s personality, producing a feisty, outspoken and fiercely devoted mother and wife.

elizabeth: I have to agree with you on Day Lewis and Field. Daniel Day Lewis is the finest and most gifted actor we have around and while I would like to see him up on the screen more often, I am glad that he waits for a role that propels him to shed his own skin and become the character. Trust me when I say this, you are not watching Daniel up on that screen. Somehow and I don’t know how he does it, but he is channeling Lincoln in this movie. He is Lincoln. And I admired how Day Lewis captured Lincoln’s gift of storytelling as well as his subtle and amusing sense of the absurd. I won’t add another word about Sally Fields’ Mary Lincoln, It annoys me to say this, but your comments on Field’s compelling and heartbreaking performance are spot on. 

Nicole: Other standouts – Tommy Lee Jones and James Spader. I won’t discuss their roles too much, because the former’s payoff is truly rewarding and the latter’s humorous turns are a total treat. If I had anything at all negative to say, it would be only that the historical figures portrayed are many and we might have benefitted from better identification and a touch more back story. But, that’s nothing cracking open a book won’t cure. Overall, I think this movie will stand at the apex of biopics. Any future filmmakers and actors who attempt to tackle the story and roles in the future will have a very difficult time surpassing this incredible feat.

elizabeth: Another stand out performance is the cinematography. It holds all the characters and storylines together. The reduction of color casts such a somber mood over the film and rightfully so. The country was in the middle of a bloody war between the states and a highly contested vote to emancipate the slaves was coming up. Mr. Lincoln, we could use you right about now. This is what going to the movies should always be about. Well, this and the upcoming Hangover 3.

The Film Fatales give Lincoln

The Film Fatales’ Casting Couch

The Film Fatales are taking names 
and recasting some of your favorite movies.

Nicole: So, Cassidy – ever found yourself watching a movie and thinking: “God, this is a great movie, but it would be soooooooooo much better if so-and-so were playing the lead”?

I can think of three movies in particular that I’d love to recast. In fact, watching them now with my choices in mind makes them almost hard to watch – thinking of what could have been if H-wood had only made the right choices!

elizabeth: You got to get out in the fresh air more often. I have to say that I don’t really think about it although I know one certain actor ruins it for me all the time. Read on.

Nicole’s Casting Couch

Moonstruck. 1987. Starring Cher and Nicolas Cage.

Nicolas Effing Cage. Look, it’s a mystery to me why after spending years ruining delightful romantic comedies he’s now an action hero – but I prefer him in that genre rather than anything remotely romantic in theme. I know Cher handpicked Cage for this role, but she screwed up. There, I said it. Who should have gotten the role: Mickey Rourke. Hang on, hang on. Before you get your panties all in a bunch – this was pre-wrestling/pre-plastic surgery Rourke. I’m talking Diner Rourke. See? Now you’re reading me loud and clear, aren’t you? Let it sink in and the next time you watch Moonstruck, it’s gonna hit you like a ton of bricks. 

Chicago. 2002. Starring Renee Zellweger, Catherine Zeta Jones and Richard Gere.

I bet you think I’m going to recast Zellweger here, huh? Nope. As much as I want to, she sold this role. It’s Gere. Sure, I know there’s a long history of Billy Flynn’s having a sincere lack of musical prowess, and Gere did an OK job considering. It could have been a lot worse. But, now – take a minute…and sit down, ‘cause your knees will buckle after I make my case: think how much better this movie could have been with Hugh Jackman in the Billy Flynn role. Yep. It’s all you can think about, huh? Yup. Me, too. Sigh. Sad it didn’t happen. He’s a triple threat (strike that – quadruple): He can act, sing, dance and look smokin’ hot – all at the same time. A seriously tragic example of missed-opportunity casting. 

The Bridges of Madison County. 1995. Starring Meryl Streep and Clint Eastwood.

I think you know right off the bat who I’m recasting here. Yes, sometimes I am predictable. Look, when I think romantic lead – I’m not thinking Dirty Harry and the octogenarian who currently talks to empty chairs. No, when I want some shootin’ up and takin’ names, I’ll call in Clint. But, for stoking the fire of a whirlwind love affair, I’m calling in the big guns: Robert Redford. I almost can’t even think about it without flying into a rage at the piss-poor casting of this film. My God, did the producers of Bridges never see Out of Africa? Now, that’s chemistry. Oh, for frick’s sake. You don’t cast Clint Eastwood in a movie that’s made for Robert Redford. You just don’t. Sucker, please.  

elizabeth’s Casting Couch (is all fluffed up and ready)

I am going to pick on one actor who has always leaned on my last nerve since his first starring role. I don’t get his appeal. He is like a nerdy high school boy who would have loved feeling up some girl at the movies, but never did get the chance. So he took up acting and now I avoid his movies like the plague while millions of people do a semi worship-like dance around him. So excuse the pun, but I am pointing my cruise missile at Mr. Tom Cruise.

A Few Good Men. 1992. Starring Little Tommy Cruise, Jack Nicholson, Demi Moore and Kevin Bacon.

It felt like he was playing dress up in his big brother’s uniform and his performance did not ring true to me. At all. I think Tom should lay off the sugar before he does another film. Calm down a tad. Couldn’t you just see George Clooney playing this role of Lt. Daniel Kaffee? He would have been so cool and totally in charge. Clooney would have shut Jack Nicolson up with just a raised eyebrow. And that would work on me, too. Just in case George is reading our reviews.

Rock of Ages. 2012. Starring Tom without a shirt on. (Who cares?)

When I heard that Tom Cruise was going to play a hot, heavy metal rock star from the 1980s, I threw up a little in my mouth. Who handled the casting for this movie? Now if they had listened to me (alas, they forgot to consult with me), they would have been on the short list for multiple Oscars if they had only cast Javier Bardem in the Stacee Jaxx role. Hell, I would have found Joe Pesce more to my liking than Cruise in this role. Okay, I am lying right about now about Pesce. But I can see Javier sans shirt singing just to me. You can leave now.

Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles. 1994. Starring Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt and Kirsten Dunst.

Ann Rice’s Interview with the Vampire was one of my favorite books and then someone thought, “Let’s cast Tom Cruise in the movie version.” Your mother is on the phone and you’re in trouble.This is a casting mistake of epidemic proportions. When I think of a vampire in all his finery checking out my neck for a late night libation, Mr. Cruise is not in the same country as moi.  If I am going to give it up for anyone, it shall be Colin Firth.

Now it’s your turn – get on the couch!

So who do you think was miscast in a movie? Don’t be shy. Do tell. 

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The Film Fatales Take On Some Killer Movies

This is how we do Halloween... 

elizabeth: let’s just say we are taking on the old fashioned killer movies. I doubt that you will ever catch me in one of those let’s kill them down to their bone marrow kind of movies that Hollywood feels is so important to make. Oh, that’s right. I forgot. They make money. Silly me. Personally, I think that the more slice and dice movies people see, the less sensitive they become and that real life crime and killings don’t really impact them anymore without a head exploding on someone’s freshly pressed white tee shirt. I say let the evening news chill me to my marrow.

Nicole: I hate it when we agree. I’ve never been a blood, guts and gore kinda gal. I can’t even make it through a commercial or trailer for slice ‘n dicer movies. So, I don’t have many scary movies to recommend. But, I’ll do my best to scrounge up some movies that give me the heebie jeebies.

So here are our favorite killer movies. 

ELIZABETH’S PICKS

Night of the living Dead. 1968 Directed by George Romero. It was filmed in black and white. The horror!

This was the first VHS I ever bought. Alert the paramedics. This is the most horrifying horror movie I have ever seen because you had to use something besides a barf bag. You had to use your imagination. Romero lets you freak yourself out because you don’t know if all of mankind was going to cease to exist because of some crazed flesh-eating zombies. Yes, we had zombies way before The Walking Dead came out.  My only suggestion when viewing this movie is to not see it with a bunch of people who are drinking. Drunkenness and pure terror do not mix.

The Omen. 1976 Directed by Richard Donner. Starring Gregory Peck, Lee Remick, David Warner. The Antichrist.

Imagine you have everything you could want in life…and then you wake up one day only to find out that your precious little boy is Satan and that is when the movie goes downhill in a way that makes you sleep with all the lights on. Give me a 6-6-6.

Carrie. 1976 Directed by Brain DePalma. Written by Stephen King. Starring Sissy Spacek, Pipe Laurie, and Amy Irving.

Perhaps this movie should be shown to all the bullies out there and maybe all the kids being bullied could develop telekinetic powers. Maybe Stephen King was right.

The Birds. 1963. Directed by Alfred Hitchcock. Starring Tipi Hedren, Rod Taylor and some killer birds – like a zillion of them.

To this day, I don’t like birds. I live in fear that my eyes will be plucked out by them. Thanks, Mr. Hitchcock. You bastard.

NICOLE’S PICKS

28 Days Later. .. 2002. Directed by Danny Boyle. Starring Cillian Murphy…and lots of pissed off Birtish zombies. 

My raging love for everything British is why I gave this one a try. And, might I say: holy.effing.crap. I won’t be doing that again, ever. Mystery virus turns virtually all of Britain into a populace of zombies while the unaffected try to lay low and survive. The payoff at the end: Genius.  

  

Signs. 2002. Directed by M. Night Shyamalan. Starring Mel Gibson and Joaquin Phoenix. 

Looks like I scared the crap out of myself a lot in 2002. I totally hate to recommend any Mel Gibson movie given what we now know him to be, but this movie is really well done. It’s Hitchcockian in the way it shows you just enough, making your mind conjure up the worst before the reveal. 

Jaws. 1975. Directed by Steven Speilberg. Starring Roy Scheider, Robert Shaw, and Richard Dreyfus.

Hands down, the best monster movie ever made. The genius is not in the special effects (or lack thereof) but in the script…and how Spielberg masterfully builds terror with every single frame. 

The Others. 2001. Directed by Alejandro Amenabar. Starring Nicole Kidman. 

Possibly the best ending ever (barring the ending of The Sixth Sense). If you haven’t seen it and no one’s spoiled how it ends for you – watch it now. You won’t be disappointed.

NOW IT'S YOUR TURN...

So, tell us -- what are your favorite suspense and/or horror movies? Join the discussion by adding your comment. We'd love to hear what you have to say. 

And, oh yeah... Happy Halloween. ;) 

Hope Springs

Hope Springs or does it collapse? And, are The Film Fatales up for a little couple’s counseling? 

After thirty years of marriage, a middle-aged couple attends an intense, week-long counseling session to work on their relationship. (imdb) That ain’t the half of it. (elizabeth cassidy)

2012. PG-13 100 Minutes. Starring Meryl Streep, Tommy Lee Jones, Steve Carell and Jean Smart. Directed by David Frankel.

elizabeth: When I told a few friends that I wanted to see Hope Springs, I got a lot of, “and they all live happily ever after. It’s going to be totally predictable. Your shoes are so last year.” Oh, how wrong you are, you silly rabbits. I got these shoes this year. In March.

And just for the record, why the hell is this movie rated PG-13? It deals with sexually-explicit topics and no 13-year-old wants to hear their “movie” parents talking about oral sex on the big screen. (For the record, my mother will be banned from reading this review. She still has a case of Dial Soap in the basement with my name on it). I was with two friends (Nicole was home making a carrot salad) and we are from three different generations. We all were pulled in by the well-written script, the brilliant performances of Streep and Jones and the feeling that this is every woman and every man’s story. This script does not insult – it educates. And we all felt a little bit like a bunch of voyeurs. 

It is a movie for adults.

Nicole: Two things. 1) It was chicken salad; you never listen. I don’t believe your cell phone has as terrible reception as you claim. And, 2) If this movie is for adults, then why the hell were you there? (You gotta admit it, you left yourself wide open for that one.)

I lied: Three things. 3) I fall into that “movie parents talking about sex” category – and I’m well into my ‘30s. Can it, Cassidy. Reveal my real age and you’ll need to increase the distance barrier on that restraining order. I do agree, this movie should have been an R.  

elizabeth: Oh, Please. You are just a child in comparison to Clint Eastwood. In fact, he has chairs older than you. (I had to go there).

This movie is about empowerment. I loved how a rather meek woman like Streep’s Kay started to stand up for herself and demanded what she needs in her life…and her sex life. She is really challenged by her husband, who ignores her and fantasizes about being anywhere but in couple counseling. Jones’ Arnold was obstinate, unmovable and scared shitless…and heartbreaking.

But, Kay fights on for what she deserves from a marriage and it has nada to do with the Golf Channel.  Meryl Streep’s performance is like watching the phoenix rise from the ashes, but please, couldn’t she have had a hipper wardrobe? I know, this couple is struggling about having some really good sex and I want Streep in Capri pants and gladiator sandals. I am having my middle name changed to “shallow.”

Nicole: Versus what it is now? I thought you liked elizabeth banana hammock cassidy? 

elizabeth:  Stop smoking crack, would ya? Steve Carell was just fine as the therapist, but I think I might have started to have sex dreams about him if I had to sit across from him for a week. He kept the movie flowing and he stood his ground with Jones’ Arnold and was a champion for Kay. I am going to find out if my insurance will cover sessions with him. 

Nicole: Really, huh? That would have been a totally different movie. Called something else. After which, I’d have to call my therapist. And, not the Steve Carell kind. 

elizabeth: I was just saying that he had a certain charm that made him very appealing. Don’t make it sound like I saw this movie in Amsterdam’s red light district…not that I know anything about that place.

I have to say that it was odd to watch two very strong and commanding actors be stripped down to the underwear and totally vulnerable. But, in the end, isn’t that all of us when we refuse to embrace what will make our lives sweeter? And hotter.

And before I go off to get my masters in sexuality, I applaud director David Frankel for showing the world that you can have great sex at all stages of your life. We are not dead, yet.

The Film Fatales give HOPE SPRINGS 

 

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