The Film Fatales Take On Some Killer Movies

This is how we do Halloween... 

elizabeth: let’s just say we are taking on the old fashioned killer movies. I doubt that you will ever catch me in one of those let’s kill them down to their bone marrow kind of movies that Hollywood feels is so important to make. Oh, that’s right. I forgot. They make money. Silly me. Personally, I think that the more slice and dice movies people see, the less sensitive they become and that real life crime and killings don’t really impact them anymore without a head exploding on someone’s freshly pressed white tee shirt. I say let the evening news chill me to my marrow.

Nicole: I hate it when we agree. I’ve never been a blood, guts and gore kinda gal. I can’t even make it through a commercial or trailer for slice ‘n dicer movies. So, I don’t have many scary movies to recommend. But, I’ll do my best to scrounge up some movies that give me the heebie jeebies.

So here are our favorite killer movies. 

ELIZABETH’S PICKS

Night of the living Dead. 1968 Directed by George Romero. It was filmed in black and white. The horror!

This was the first VHS I ever bought. Alert the paramedics. This is the most horrifying horror movie I have ever seen because you had to use something besides a barf bag. You had to use your imagination. Romero lets you freak yourself out because you don’t know if all of mankind was going to cease to exist because of some crazed flesh-eating zombies. Yes, we had zombies way before The Walking Dead came out.  My only suggestion when viewing this movie is to not see it with a bunch of people who are drinking. Drunkenness and pure terror do not mix.

The Omen. 1976 Directed by Richard Donner. Starring Gregory Peck, Lee Remick, David Warner. The Antichrist.

Imagine you have everything you could want in life…and then you wake up one day only to find out that your precious little boy is Satan and that is when the movie goes downhill in a way that makes you sleep with all the lights on. Give me a 6-6-6.

Carrie. 1976 Directed by Brain DePalma. Written by Stephen King. Starring Sissy Spacek, Pipe Laurie, and Amy Irving.

Perhaps this movie should be shown to all the bullies out there and maybe all the kids being bullied could develop telekinetic powers. Maybe Stephen King was right.

The Birds. 1963. Directed by Alfred Hitchcock. Starring Tipi Hedren, Rod Taylor and some killer birds – like a zillion of them.

To this day, I don’t like birds. I live in fear that my eyes will be plucked out by them. Thanks, Mr. Hitchcock. You bastard.

NICOLE’S PICKS

28 Days Later. .. 2002. Directed by Danny Boyle. Starring Cillian Murphy…and lots of pissed off Birtish zombies. 

My raging love for everything British is why I gave this one a try. And, might I say: holy.effing.crap. I won’t be doing that again, ever. Mystery virus turns virtually all of Britain into a populace of zombies while the unaffected try to lay low and survive. The payoff at the end: Genius.  

  

Signs. 2002. Directed by M. Night Shyamalan. Starring Mel Gibson and Joaquin Phoenix. 

Looks like I scared the crap out of myself a lot in 2002. I totally hate to recommend any Mel Gibson movie given what we now know him to be, but this movie is really well done. It’s Hitchcockian in the way it shows you just enough, making your mind conjure up the worst before the reveal. 

Jaws. 1975. Directed by Steven Speilberg. Starring Roy Scheider, Robert Shaw, and Richard Dreyfus.

Hands down, the best monster movie ever made. The genius is not in the special effects (or lack thereof) but in the script…and how Spielberg masterfully builds terror with every single frame. 

The Others. 2001. Directed by Alejandro Amenabar. Starring Nicole Kidman. 

Possibly the best ending ever (barring the ending of The Sixth Sense). If you haven’t seen it and no one’s spoiled how it ends for you – watch it now. You won’t be disappointed.

NOW IT'S YOUR TURN...

So, tell us -- what are your favorite suspense and/or horror movies? Join the discussion by adding your comment. We'd love to hear what you have to say. 

And, oh yeah... Happy Halloween. ;) 

Hope Springs

Hope Springs or does it collapse? And, are The Film Fatales up for a little couple’s counseling? 

After thirty years of marriage, a middle-aged couple attends an intense, week-long counseling session to work on their relationship. (imdb) That ain’t the half of it. (elizabeth cassidy)

2012. PG-13 100 Minutes. Starring Meryl Streep, Tommy Lee Jones, Steve Carell and Jean Smart. Directed by David Frankel.

elizabeth: When I told a few friends that I wanted to see Hope Springs, I got a lot of, “and they all live happily ever after. It’s going to be totally predictable. Your shoes are so last year.” Oh, how wrong you are, you silly rabbits. I got these shoes this year. In March.

And just for the record, why the hell is this movie rated PG-13? It deals with sexually-explicit topics and no 13-year-old wants to hear their “movie” parents talking about oral sex on the big screen. (For the record, my mother will be banned from reading this review. She still has a case of Dial Soap in the basement with my name on it). I was with two friends (Nicole was home making a carrot salad) and we are from three different generations. We all were pulled in by the well-written script, the brilliant performances of Streep and Jones and the feeling that this is every woman and every man’s story. This script does not insult – it educates. And we all felt a little bit like a bunch of voyeurs. 

It is a movie for adults.

Nicole: Two things. 1) It was chicken salad; you never listen. I don’t believe your cell phone has as terrible reception as you claim. And, 2) If this movie is for adults, then why the hell were you there? (You gotta admit it, you left yourself wide open for that one.)

I lied: Three things. 3) I fall into that “movie parents talking about sex” category – and I’m well into my ‘30s. Can it, Cassidy. Reveal my real age and you’ll need to increase the distance barrier on that restraining order. I do agree, this movie should have been an R.  

elizabeth: Oh, Please. You are just a child in comparison to Clint Eastwood. In fact, he has chairs older than you. (I had to go there).

This movie is about empowerment. I loved how a rather meek woman like Streep’s Kay started to stand up for herself and demanded what she needs in her life…and her sex life. She is really challenged by her husband, who ignores her and fantasizes about being anywhere but in couple counseling. Jones’ Arnold was obstinate, unmovable and scared shitless…and heartbreaking.

But, Kay fights on for what she deserves from a marriage and it has nada to do with the Golf Channel.  Meryl Streep’s performance is like watching the phoenix rise from the ashes, but please, couldn’t she have had a hipper wardrobe? I know, this couple is struggling about having some really good sex and I want Streep in Capri pants and gladiator sandals. I am having my middle name changed to “shallow.”

Nicole: Versus what it is now? I thought you liked elizabeth banana hammock cassidy? 

elizabeth:  Stop smoking crack, would ya? Steve Carell was just fine as the therapist, but I think I might have started to have sex dreams about him if I had to sit across from him for a week. He kept the movie flowing and he stood his ground with Jones’ Arnold and was a champion for Kay. I am going to find out if my insurance will cover sessions with him. 

Nicole: Really, huh? That would have been a totally different movie. Called something else. After which, I’d have to call my therapist. And, not the Steve Carell kind. 

elizabeth: I was just saying that he had a certain charm that made him very appealing. Don’t make it sound like I saw this movie in Amsterdam’s red light district…not that I know anything about that place.

I have to say that it was odd to watch two very strong and commanding actors be stripped down to the underwear and totally vulnerable. But, in the end, isn’t that all of us when we refuse to embrace what will make our lives sweeter? And hotter.

And before I go off to get my masters in sexuality, I applaud director David Frankel for showing the world that you can have great sex at all stages of your life. We are not dead, yet.

The Film Fatales give HOPE SPRINGS 

 

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We will respect you in the morning if you do it.

The Dark Knight Rises

The long-awaited final chapter of Nolan's Batman series ends...or does it? 

2012. Rated PG-13. 165 minutes. Starring Christian Bale, Tom Hardy, Anne Hathaway, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Michael Caine. Directed by Christopher Nolan. 

Eight years on, a new terrorist leader, Bane, overwhelms Gotham's finest, and the Dark Knight resurfaces to protect a city that has branded him an enemy. [imdb]

Nicole: Welp, Cassidy, 165 minutes never passed so quickly. That, in and of itself, should tell you how much I loved this movie. I was equal parts dreading its release (worried the final chapter in the three-movie arc would be a letdown) and feverishly awaiting it (wondering what Nolan had up his sleeve for the last installment of a series I never wanted to see end). Well, without revealing too much, it was anything but a letdown and the payoff was extremely well spent. 

elizabeth: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…..

Nicole: HEY! Wake up! Here’s the scoop: The movie opens eight years after we last saw Batman, now considered a threat and villain to Gotham instead of its caped-crusading hero. Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale, the deliciously gorgeous man behind the mask) has become a crippled recluse, holed up in his mansion while Wayne Enterprises flails. A mysterious cat burglar (Anne Hathaway) happens into Bruce’s life and as a result, compels him to once again enter society and try to cure it of its ills. But, these past eight years haven’t been kind to the Batman and his most recent nemesis Bane (played to creepy perfection by Tom Hardy – shame to put such a lovely looking man behind such a grotesque mask, ahh well) isn’t quite what he expected. Luckily, the Batman still has allies, namely Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who steps up to help save Gotham in what appears to be its final hour. 

elizabeth:  Why have you ignored my plea to never put these two words together: deliciously gorgeous? Get thee to the bat cave and think about what you have done.

Nicole: When it comes to Christian Bale, you must make an exception. So, that’s all I’ll say about the plot, because the last thing I want to do is spoil this movie. The payoff is THAT good. I know, some people found it contrived, predictable, perhaps even hokey. I guess I’m a total sucker, because I bought it hook, line, and sinker. Even things I was certain I was going to HATE about this movie (like the casting), I ended up loving. (Case in point: Anne Hathaway as Catwoman? Really? Well, REALLY. She owned it. Totally and utterly enjoyable in this role. And to think, I rolled my eyes when she first hit the screen. Oh, how wrong I was.)

The only bad thing about  THE DARK KNIGHT RISES is that it ended. And, for all we know, for good. There are no plans to continue the series. Nolan says he’s done. And, I am in denial. Because there’s so, so much more to be told. That, and I reallllly want to see Bale slip on a tux as Wayne and kick ass in that skin-tight Bat suit again. A girl can dream, can’t she? 

elizabeth: Oh, please. We both know that Hollywood is all about bringing back tried-and-true movie scripts that they can tweak a touch because no one is smart enough out there to write something new. Here’s my challenge—don’t bring back Batman ever again, but write something that is clever and original. Yea, right. 

The Film Fatales give THE DARK KNIGHT RISES 

The Campaign

The Campaign – Did it get the Film Fatales’ vote?

2012. Rated R. 85 minutes. Starring Will Ferrell, Zach Galifianakis, Jason Suedeikis, Dylan McDermott. Directed by Jay Roach. 

In order to gain influence over their North Carolina district, two CEOs seize an opportunity to oust long-term congressman Cam Brady by putting up a rival candidate. Their man: naive Marty Huggins, director of the local Tourism Center. [imdb]

elizabeth: I consider myself to be an urbane woman who looks at the good, the bad, and knows that ugly can be taken care of with the right lip gloss. I consider myself to be a witty soul with a strong fashion sense. I do try to avoid being vapid. I consider myself to be aware of my surroundings and a compassionate soul when it comes to the plight of my four legged friends and yes, even some humans. I do think about myself about every five seconds…oh, wait, that is sex that I think about that often. When did I morph into to a 17-year-old boy? Ladies and gentlemen with potty mouths—I give you The Campaign.

The candidates face off in their first debate. Commence the trash talk.

Nicole: Oh, Cassidy—get loose. Get down and dirty with the rest of us pop-culture-loving heathens who will never think the sound of a fart isn’t funny. Admittedly, I’m a huge fan of Will Ferrell movies, so I knew exactly what we were in for—a crass, juvenile, totally unPC, guilty-pleasure-filled romp. You know, my all-time favorite funnyman is Mel Brooks, so I can’t rightfully claim I’m into high-brow humor when that campfire scene in Blazing Saddles is perhaps one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. 

elizabeth: I do like Mel Brooks also and Blazing Saddles is a classic, but I just don’t get the giggles when someone passes gas. So, sue me. 

When I sat down to watch, The Campaign I felt that I had to get my man game on….thus, the randy remark about thinking about what “you know what” every three seconds. I cut two seconds off it—I think I watched too much of the Olympics recently.  I felt I left me in the car and my inner guy came strutting out. He is not too shabby looking and he sports well-made Italian shoes and does get a full body massage weekly. I am beginning to like my inner guy a little bit more. Now, if he would just pay more attention to me.

Nicole: Does your inner single guy have a single/available brother?

...and it comes to fisticuffs in no time flat.

elizabeth: Not a chance. While I was planning on hating this movie with every cell in my body, I didn’t. I am feeling slightly humiliated when I say the following, “I laughed my ass off during the 85 minutes Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis  were on the screen. And the supporting cast made this vulgar, inane, dumb-ass movie even funnier.” Forgive me, mother.

 

Nicole: I’ve seen almost everything Will Ferrell’s been in and each of the Austin Powers movies Jay Roach directed (and you don’t get much sillier than that trio). I have to say, this shocked me at some points. Especially that dinner table scene with Zach’s family—during which, and I quote, Elizabeth said: “This is so stupid!” all while laughing the loudest and heartiest I’ve ever heard her laugh in the 12 years I’ve known her. And, to her credit, it was sooooo stupid—and funny as hell.  

To appeal to every base possible, Will Ferrell goes snake handling.

elizabeth: This movie is not for the faint of heart or for those who don’t know that the anatomy can be used for such things. (Thank God they can. See, I am still channeling my inner teenage boy). As a sailor in a former life, I even could not keep up with it all. Dinner table talk will never, ever be the same. Pass the bar of soap – insert into mouth.

Nicole: Despite all the hilarity and bizarre humor, the movie actually did have a message. As preposterous as this movie’s plot did seem at times, it was a fair criticism of how absolutely insane the American political campaign process has become—on both sides of the aisle. The lying, the lobbying, and misappropriation of funds…it’s all in there. And it’s no holds barred. Everything is fair game, you know—just like in real life. 

Zach's happy-go-lucky family life changes abruptly.

elizabeth: I agree. While the credits were running, I expected to see, “Based on the current presidential campaign.” Let’s get back to me. I need a weekend of Wuthering Heights, Jane Eyre, e.e. cummings’ poetry, cheap wine and the recovery of my stiff upper lip before I can feel clean again. But it was so freaking funny. I hate everyone associated with this movie for turning me into a fallen snob. Damn you all!!!

Nicole: eh, pass me the next fart noise and crass joke. If dumb humor is wrong, I don’t wanna be right. 

The Film Fatales give THE CAMPAIGN 

+

To Rome with Love

Breaking News: Woody Allen’s Creativity Falls Victim to Roman Fever, Needs to Return to Paris for Inspiration.

Rated R. 112 minutes. Starring Woody Allen, Judy Davis, Alec Baldwin, Penelope Cruz, Jesse Eisenberg. Directed by Woody Allen.

The lives of some visitors and residents of Rome and the romances, adventures and predicaments they get into. [imdb]





Nicole: Remember how awesome Midnight in Paris was? It was a love letter to the City of Lights and it made you want to book the next flight available so you too could experience the magic of the world’s most romantic city. So, when I heard Woody Allen was going to do for Rome what he did for Paris, I couldn’t wait to buy my ticket. Except, this was a journey I should have never embarked upon.

To Rome with Love’s flaws are many. So many, in fact, I don’t really know where to start. OK, I do. I’m lying. Let’s start with the GIGANTIC cast. Huge casts (much like Valentine’s Day and New Year’s Eve) generally equal poor plots. It’s hard for the audience to become invested in characters that are only going to be on screen for approximately 2.5 seconds. Harder still, convincing character development with a huge cast such as this. But the plot itself was so disjointed and unruly — like a fully packed ass that refuses to descend into the Grand Canyon. Hard to follow, sure. What’s worse? I didn’t care. Halfway through, I decided to give up on the plot altogether and just enjoy the scenery. But, even on that count — the cinematography was lackluster.

Overall, this movie felt rushed. Hastily thrown together and patched at the seams. Leaving us to wonder how Woody could follow-up a modern masterpiece like Midnight in Paris with this sloppy mess?

elizabeth: So, Nicole, please tell me how you really felt about the movie. I don’t know if I want to attach my name on this review. I keep thinking Woody is going to call to set up a meeting with me. I believe I could be his new muse. If he reads this, he might refuse to cast me in his next movie. So let’s just say that Rome was having an off day. It does happen.

While elizabeth refuses to hurt Woody’s feelings, Nciole’s gives To Rome with Love:

The Amazing Spider-Man

Excelsior! The latest Spidey reboot hits and misses, but is still a super-fun ride. 

The Amazing Spider-Man

Peter Parker finds a clue that might help him understand why his parents disappeared when he was young. His path puts him on a collision course with Dr. Curt Connors, his father's former partner. [imdb]

Rated PG-13. 136 minutes. Starring Andrew Garfield, Emma Stone, Rhys Ifans, Dennis Leary, Martin Sheen and Sally Field. Directed by Marc Webb.

Nicole: So, Cassidy. It would seem I can’t get enough quality comic book hero time this summer – and I’m in luck, ‘cause apparently there’s no shortage of adaptations and sequels. Some people might think that it was a little soon for a reboot of the Spider-Man series, since the Tobey McGuire series is so fresh in everyone’s minds. And, that may be so.

elizabeth: I hope you are not going to try to convince me that this is a period film because of the costumes. Now Colin Firth in tights might get me into the theater – or arrested for breaking into his London home. Adaptations and sequels – does the literal translation mean – we haven’t had an original idea for a movie since phone booths were on nearly every corner in this country (and not for Superman to go stripping in).

Andrew Garfield, the latest to don the uniform, does a fine job.

Nicole: I miss the good old days of phone booths -- for stripping in. Now, I’m not saying this flick ain't worth your 12 bucks. It is. And, it’s enjoyable. But there’s something missing, though I can’t quite say just what. Perhaps it had something to do with all the backend editing in post-production. Perhaps it was the choice of villains (Lizard isn’t exactly polarizing or all that frightening – and frankly, Rhys Ifans (Dr. Connors) deserved to play a more compelling villain as he’s certainly got the chops to master one).

elizabeth: A lizard takes over Manhattan? Send him down to any subway station – our rats will take care of it. Girl gets Spider-Man in her web. Fade to black.

Emma Stone and Garfield create on-screen (and off-screen) sparks.

Nicole: LOL. Yea, any NYC Rat King could likely undo this villain, but I digress. So, Cassidy,  you know how Emma Stone (Gwen Stacey) and Andrew Garfield (Peter Parker/Spider-Man) became an item on the set of this movie? Yea, well – the chemistry is pretty obvious. That’s why their scenes together are so convincing. Shame there wasn’t more of them. At times, the movie felt rushed to hit key plot points, and then at times it felt like it was wasting time covering the same surface. I found myself wondering what better use could have been made of that time. And that kind of brought me out of the film, when instead, I should have been riveted.

elizabeth: I think I will continue to boycott these rehashed movies until Hollywood understands that the fate of this country rests on original scripts. Or me getting my meds adjusted. Again.

Martin Sheen and Sally Fields perplexed by their nephew's odd new behavior.

Nicole: Pah-lease, H-wood hire a writer to pen something original? Not bloody likely. Special effects-wise though, they did a pretty fabulous job, but Lizard could have used a little more fine-tuning on the CGI end. Overall, performances by Garfield, Stone, Sheen, and Leary were stellar. The right mix of humor, angst, and suspense. And, I prefer Garfield’s Spider-Man to McGuire’s. His expressions, stammering lack of confidence, and humor—all were incredibly endearing. I just wish he had a better script to justifiably make himself shine. So, should people run out to see this latest adaptation in the Spidey series? Yea, they should. Why? ‘Cause there’s gonna be a sequel. And, I have a pretty good feeling it’s going to kick this one’s ass.

elizabeth: Did I ever tell you that I am allergic to spider bites? And I think I might have had a bad reaction if I saw this movie. Give me a movie with people and maybe a little less latex and Spanx. Great – now everyone knows what I wear on the weekends. I get to pick the next movie. You obviously cannot be trusted.

The Film Fatales give The Amazing Spider-Man...

With the deepest respect...

The Film Fatales would like to pay our most heartfelt condolences to the victims, survivors, and family members of the terrible tragedy in Aurora, Colorado. Our thoughts and prayers are with you all at this most difficult time. Peace and love.

Magic Mike

The Film Fatales review Magic Mike and wonder whether it is worth shoving a dollar into a thong or should we just put a sock in it?

Magic Mike

A male stripper teaches a younger performer how to party, pick up women, and make easy money. [IMBD.] (elizabeth: I would like to add,  said stripper also saves Timmy’s dog from a well, goes on to become the president of the United States, and grants all strippers amnesty.)

2012. Rated R. 110 minutes. Starring Channing Tatum, Matthew McConaughey, Alex Pettyfer, Olivia Munn, Cody Horn, and Joe Manganiello. Directed by Steven Soderbergh. 

elizabeth: I rarely walk out of a movie praying to be kidnapped by aliens so they can zap the memory of a movie out of my brain. ET, if you are reading this, I am available any time after 10 AM on most weekdays. I have seen more than six naked men (okay, maybe not all at the same time…well, that is all I am going to say on that subject), but my initial feeling was that they all needed a bath and a better script. Cleanliness makes stripping so much more pleasant to watch.

More beef with that cake, madam?

Nicole: I wish we’d had seen this together so I could have seen you writhing in total discomfort. I saw this on a Monday night at 7:40pm. Where, pray tell, can you find a more incoherent, giggly gaggle of women? Answer: Nowhere, but at this showing of Magic Mike. I finally know what kind of movie gets droves of women off their asses and into the theatre. I don’t know whether to be dismayed, disgusted, and disoriented or proud? (It’s the former. Most definitely the former.) I will say this much for the movie: It is a truly authentic portrayal of what goes on inside those clubs. I won’t say how I know. Just that I know. ‘Nuff said. 

elizabeth: Got to give it to Matthew McConaughey’s character Dallas, the strip joint owner –  his body looked like it was slathered with left over butter from your local movie theatre. I felt dirty watching him and not in the good “dirty “way. Channing’s Mike appeared to be constipated during the whole movie and Joe Manganiello got me thinking that I should get HBO so I could see him on True Blood, but then he opened his mouth and I nixed going for the cable upgrade (although I am willing to give him a second chance if he wears that firemen’s outfit to my next birthday party). 

McConaughey hams it up.

But McConaughey was the best part of the movie, and I hated him and all he stood for. But that is okay because his sleaziness provoked an emotion out of me.  Can’t say that about the rest of them. B-O-R-I-N-G. And a quick note to the actors – please enunciate your words. Or, do it in French or Spanish. This way I might have thought it was an art film and would have been kinder in my review. Director Soderbergh should have stayed with just the stripping and fired the screenwriter. A storyline was not warranted. Don’t believe me – go see the movie.

Channing and company.

Nicole: I agree with you on all, save Tatum. Without him, I do believe this movie would have been excruciatingly unwatchable. I thought his comic deliveries were well-timed and on point, his dancing was a-maz-ing, and his character was endearing – given what he had to work with. It will forever remain a mystery to me why Soderbergh took this movie on. ANYONE could have directed this movie. So why Soderbergh saw it necessary to blemish his record with this one is beyond me.

elizabeth: I guess what I am thinking is that life is too short to spend time in the dark watching a movie such as Magic Mike. Women were just throwaways and I was offended by how they were just interchangeable and victims of date rape after a night of drugs and booze. Let’s try to elevate women in films a little more often. We are not your victims.  And showing your bum won’t make it all better.

Nicole: Agreed. And, no surprise that the lead actress (Cody Horn), who’s supposed to provide the film’s moral compass, is the CEO of Warner Brother’s daughter. Gee, I wonder how she got the part??? Suffice to say, she can’t act her way out of a wet paper bag and has one expression for every human emotion. [See image below as proof.]

elizabeth: Just watch the Magic Mike TV commercial. Save your money or send it to me.

The Film Fatales gives Magic Mike

 

Snow White and the Huntsman

A wooden princess, a murderous queen, and a beefy hunter – Oh, my! The Film Fatales tell you why it’s probably best that you skip…

Snow White and the Huntsman

2012. Rated PG-13. 127 minutes. Starring Kristen Stewart, Charlize Theron, Chris Hemsworth. Directed by Rupert Sanders.

In a twist to the fairy tale, the Huntsman ordered to take Snow White into the woods to be killed winds up becoming her protector and mentor in a quest to vanquish the Evil Queen. [imdb]

Nicole: So, Cassidy. Let me tell you about the last movie I saw: Snow White and the Huntsman.  You know the drill – pretty princess vs. an evil queen, some short guys, and an apple. Well – that’s where the similarities end. This movie was such a diversion from the original, popularized tale we know and love that it’s almost unrecognizable. I was thinking: Cool! A kick-ass Snow White! A princess for modern times. This should be awesome! Shame it wasn’t.

Snow White takes a bite of the Big Apple.

elizabeth:  I hate when people mess with things from our childhood. Fairy tales of yore tapped into my fertile imagination and each tale seems to include a little life lesson that this former six-year-old could comprehend. Hollywood screenwriters really should use their own damn imagination and come up with something original. If I was one of the Brothers Grimm (or the Brothers Gibb) I would sue.

Nicole: Yes, and especially if you were one of the Brothers Gibb—those post-modern spinners of yarn and creators of high-octave earworms. So, say I told you that this movie contains subtle (and not so subtle) themes of sexism, rape, incest, violence, sex, and murder – would you believe it was rated PG-13? 

Mirror, mirror on the wall -- you're freaking me out!

elizabeth:  That is really making my head start to sweat. How dare they even touch on themes like sexism, rape, and incest and give the movie a PG-13 rating. I would like to know how many women were involved with getting this movie off the ground. Guess it didn’t bother them. Shame on them and even the lead actresses. But I would imagine that their fat cash cows must have the power to lure them to sleep every night…in their own personalized glass coffins. 

Nicole: Yea, I’d imagine nobody involved in the making of this film has trouble sleeping at night. In my eyes, this movie should have been a hard R. But, let’s not forget: Kristen Stewart in it – which means H-wood didn’t wanna lose that ‘tween audience with an R rating. And frankly, that sickens me. But, I digress. (If I get on that soap box, I’ll never step down.) 

elizabeth:  I think you just stepped on my foot. Let me get off the soapbox so you can continue.

Nicole: Thank you. Ultimately, this movie has a flawed plot, lackluster dialog, and predictable direction. The best thing that can be said is that it’s visually stunning (Hello Prince William – when you get out of the Dark Forest, ring me up). Special effects, costume, and art direction all should be proud. Everyone else – well, they can shove it. Namely Kristen Stewart, who gives yet another wooden performance. How long must we be subjected to her lifeless portrayals and crappy deliveries? (Oh wait, wasn’t she just listed as the highest paid actress in Hollywood? I swear, I give up.)

This Evil Queen's beauty regimen can't be bottled.

As for the Charlize – she did a fairly good job as Snow White’s evil nemesis, but I think she probably was done a disservice by a weak script and poor editing. Her character was basically a fairy-tale altered Lucrezia Borgia/Elizabeth Bathory: incest, murder, drinking blood, robbing the essence of young women to maintain her youth, bathing in milk. Sure, it’s a mash-up of historical inaccuracy – but there’s enough homage there to clearly pick up what they were putting down. In fact, it repeatedly thumps you over the damn head. Gratuitous and unnecessary. 

elizabeth:  And I quote you (because I can), “Drinking blood, robbing the essence of young women to maintain her youth, bathing in milk.” Sounds like a Saturday around my house.

The Huntsman is mighty, but this script falls short.

Nicole: Come to think of it, you do throw a helluva party. But seriously folks, not even beefcake can save this movie: Chris Hemsworth can slay all the evil armies he can muster all while looking like Mr. November, but even he cannot save this movie. So, Cassidy, I really think you should skip this one. Save your 12 bucks and buy yourself a latte. You’ll enjoy it way more. 

elizabeth:  Lattes are now 12 bucks? Well that explains why the Evil Queen drank blood. It was cheaper. And I will have a side of beefcake with my goblet of blood. Make mine Mr. May I. 

 Nicole gives Snow White and the Huntsman